A Life Abandoned
by ShadowPassinThru
Summary: The dementors bring out Sirius's worse memories. (SBJP, MPREG)


Title: A Life Abandoned

Author: Kayla

Summary: Sirius Black relives some of his most horrible memories, while being attacked by Dementors in the Azkaban prison.

Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns all things 'Harry Potter'.

Pairing: SiriusxJames

Warnings: MPREG, character death, super angst

Inspiration: "Goodbye Baby" by Fleetwood Mac was quite a help with this fanfiction

A/N: Okay, so I wrote a SxJ quickly, not slowly. Too much time, I guess.

- - -

"Gods, don't make me live this again..."

Sirius Black could barely moan out the desperate words, before the dementors swooped down on his form, and he was catapulted back into the past, to relive his worst memories.

"_Sirius," James Potter asked, a look of genuine concern on his worried face. "Sirius, what's wrong love? You look frightened."   
  
Sirius looked back, trying to find words to say what he was about to say, in the right fashion. "James, I'm pregnant..." he gasped out, trying to ease the pain of the words, but they still caused James' face to change in a horrific manner. Sirius watched, each moment passing in agony as James registered his words. _

_  
"Are you sure?" James asked desperately, breathing heavily, his eyes taunted by tears. "Sirius, how could you be?"  
  
"I think even you know that," Sirius responded, a little bit of spite in his voice. "Doing what we did comes with some unexpected consequences,unfortunately."   
  
"I don't believe you," James said sternly. "No Sirius, that baby is not mine. We only slept together one time! It's so rare for this to happen."   
  
"Not rare enough, apparently," Sirius muttered in soft, mournful reply. "Yet I thought that it was during that time that you told me you loved me, and that marrying Lily Evans was a mistake you'd regret for life. You told me you'd try your hardest to let her go soon." _

"_I do love you!" James gasped, seeming as though he were trying very hard not to cry. "I love you Sirius, and we were meant to be together. But I got scared ... and I screwed up. It's over between us, and you just can't tell me that you're pregnant. I'm not ready to give up my family. Lily and I are living a wonderful life with our son." _

"_James, I love Harry too, and I'd give up anything for him... but... my baby is your child too," Sirius moaned desperately, trying to get James to see how scared he was. _

"_Sirius, what do you want me to do?" James' voice was vicious and upset. _

"_I want you to love me, like you did that night back in school, when I came to you for help, and you told me you loved me. I want you to tell me that I don't have to be so scared!"   
  
_

"Don't give me back these memories," Sirius moaned, sobbing in agony as the dementors fed on their victim's agony. "I want them to go away forever... I can't have them back."

_Lily stood in front of Sirius, crying hysterically. "So that's why James made you Harry's godfather?" she asked, her green eyes looking desperate for an answer. "Because you and he were still in love, after all of your fights? You told him that you hated him as a lover, but were better off as his best friend._

_  
"I've loved him for so long," Sirius moaned, holding tight to his already growing stomach. "I know that James left me for you, because of Harry, but I still couldn't stop loving him. We spent a night together a short while ago."  
  
"So your baby is my husband's?" the woman asked, visible tears falling down her face. _

_Sirius nodded, and Lily fainted in shock. He never expected such an extreme reaction, even from the victim of their love affair that Lily had become. He had then pulled her into her home, and left. _

"No!" Sirius screamed, knowing what would come next, the thing that always destroyed what was left of his broken soul. He would be shown a time shortly after confessing to Lily, when he sentenced with thirteen murders, and conspiring for two others. He was accused of being James and Lily Potter's murderer, and most believed that it was the baby that drove him to do it.

Now he would be shown the scene were he lost his baby girl, Adrianna Black. It was not a trial, as he wasn't even allowed one. It was a mere sentencing.

"_Please!" he roared, looking desperately at the judge in the courtroom. He saw friends, and former companions watching him. They had once supported him, but now they hated him, thought that he was a killer._

_Even Remus sat in the front row of the courtroom, in tears as he was comforted by some of the few friends he had left. Sirius knew that Remus thought he'd killed James and Lily in an outraged jealousy over their love. That was the same reason that Sirius had worried initially about Remus betraying James and Lily. Remus loved Lily as much as he love James, but both of them would always be the victim of the desire of unrequited love. _

"_How could I be their killer?" Sirius yelled hysterically. "It was that rat Peter... who did this to us... destroyed James, Lily, and our lives. How could I be accused? I loved James Potter more than anything in this world. This is his baby inside of me at this moment." _

"_On the matters of the child," the judge said, disgust in his eyes as he looked down at Sirius. "Many members of the wizarding community had opted to force you, Mister Black, to take an abortion potion, but the more decent members of the community have forced a ruling as such : You will be held in a cell outside of Azkaban prison until the child's birth in September. After the birth you will be sent to Azkaban prison on a life sentence."  
  
"What about... what about my baby?" Sirius asked, crying now. He knew then that there was no use in begging anymore. He was the man who killed James and Lily, in the eyes of his society. There was no fighting what he was, even if it was something he was not. _

_  
"The child will be sent to whereabouts to be determined," the judge said in a noble term. "This case is closed." _

__

"Not my baby," Sirius cried in agony, waving his arms as he tried to propel away the icy feeling of the dementors. Part of him wished that he could just pass out, to avoid seeing his beloved girl taken from him, literally ripped out of his life by cruel hands.

His head swirled around him, as he tried to be strong enough to avoid seeing any more images of the past.

_He was in pain, so much pain. He had been willing to take the pain, when he'd first realized he was pregnant, but he'd always dreamed of delivering the baby in a hospital, with James by his side, holding his hand and comforting him through it. Yet in this room, pregnancy was agony. _

_It was dark in this cell, with only a small light above him. Three doctors and a few law officials stood around him, while he tried to deliver the baby. Their hands were harsh, and they did not seem to care if they hurt him. He was a man who'd killed many, and would spend the rest of his life rotting in a prison. Why should they care if his labor was painful, or harmful to his body? _

_Once it was finished, and his beautiful daughter was out of his body, he was so exhausted he figured he was going to pass out. Yet he kept his eyes open, not knowing exactly what would become of the girl. He just had to keep his eyes on his baby girl, as long as he could.   
  
They did not even allow him a moment to hold her in his arms. He remembered her vividly, but as the doctor's cleaned her, he began to thrash wildly. "She's my baby!" he shouted violently. "Let me see her... let me hold her... I don't care what you think I did! This child is my baby."   
  
He had even chosen a name for her, a name that he and James had dreamed of naming their child when they were dating in school. Adrianna Black would have been her name, had they not taken her from her father. _

"_Restrain him," one of the doctors ordered, probably in fear for her own life. Sirius could have actually killed her, the way he was feeling about the detached way she held his daughter in her arms. They were actually treating this baby like the child of a murderer. No, they treated his Adrianna as if she were the killer. _

"_No," Sirius begged, sobbing as they chained his arms and legs to the bed. He watched as the doctors scribbled things on parchment as they examined his dark haired child. He thrashed about violently, but he could not escape the restraints. Just as the baby was handed from the medics, to the officers, Sirius began screaming. _

"_You can't take her from me!" he screamed violently. "I didn't do anything..."_

"_Sedate the prisoner, and get him out of here," the same bossing medic said, her eyes barely turning towards Sirius. The medic who did not have his child nodded, waited for the third doctor to get a vial of potion. _

_Sirius gulped as it was thrust into his mouth. Despite his fighting against the natural impulses to swallow, the liquid trickled into the back of his throat, and he couldn't move. His limbs seemed to have gone numb, and then he was completely unconscious. He never was to see his daughter again. _

__

"Get away!" Sirius shouted, and to his shock, the dementors were done feeding off of him. He fell back, hitting the hard concrete of his cell. He was exhausted, and completely drained by the feeding.

He spoke aloud to the hollow air of his holding cell. "I think of my baby every time they come to me..." he groaned softly, pulling himself up using the wall. "I just, I don't know if I can live like this anymore. I don't want to be reminded of them taking Adrianna from me, or... or of Peter taking James. Everything that should have meant something is gone."  
  
He thought then of what the cruel judge had said in the courtroom then. "Maybe Adrianna is dead?" he sobbed. "They all wanted to force me to take an abortion potion, so maybe someone killed her shortly after. I bet she's gone too... like James... everything that meant anything to me is gone."

There was a rumor spreading around, that no Azkaban inmate had ever killed himself, because the place drove one to such deep insanity that it was impossible. Yet, Sirius knew he was innocent of his crimes, and he had yet to go completely insane.

He knew that the bars connecting his cell to that of another "murderer working for the dark side," were just strong enough to kill him, if he threw himself against him with the right force.

Quickly, using his anger to his advantage, Sirius threw himself against the wall, shaking awake the sleeping prisoner beside him. Quickly, before the dementors could catch him, he hit himself over and over, bashing his head and causing blood to spill over him slowly. Sirius then began to call the names of James Potter, and the daughter he never even got to touch.

"James, Adrianna ... get me out of this hell. I need you both to be with me, so badly, more than anything."   
  
"Sirius, your daughter is fine, living a wonderful life," James' voice said quietly, from above him. It sent a chill through his body just to hear that gentle sound. It really was James, the love of his life. "Her family in the muggle world, loves her almost as much as I love you. Now are you going to come... or are you going to help our other child? Yes, I know that Harry is Lily's son... but I still consider you his father. Peter is still out and around, and Voldemort will be back. Go on, make a choice."

--------------

AN: I think we all know that Sirius has a great will to survive. Yes, my initial plan was to kill Siri, but this was more inspiring to me :) Oh yes, and my beta reader from another fandom says that I have clarification issues, so let me know if anything was unclear.


End file.
